My Kingdom for a Bathtub and Epsom Salts!

I love being a student in class again, which is good given that I’m going to be a full time student come September. Student living is another story. I don’t share a room, which is nice, but I do have a single bed, part of which is encroached upon by shelves. There aren’t full blackout curtains, which is slightly annoying with how late the sun sets and how early it rises. But the biggest problem is that there is no bathtub. I take a bath pretty much every day, whether or not I’m dirty. It’s just part of my night routine. It’s self care. It’s a cheap luxury. Soaking in a tub with Epsom salts has been a necessity with my exercise regime. It’s just one of those things I NEED.

Well, I haven’t had a bath in over two weeks, and I’m going a little insane about it.

If I don’t lose my mind completely, the bright side is that I have a “must have” on my list for flat shopping in London. That’s a big if. I am so desperate for a soothing soak that I’m looking at hotels that have spas or high-end rooms that have a separate tub and walk in shower. I’m about to call up some of the local B&Bs and ask if I can pay just to spend an afternoon in their tub, if they have one. I joked with group mates that I could get one of those little kiddie pools and fill it in my dorm room.

This afternoon I got a stupidly expensive pedicure because at least it meant I could soak me feet for a while. But that’s the hesitation of going to a hotel, B&B, or spa… I’ve already paid for the place where I’m staying, so my student-to-be budget keeps nagging me to be more conservative with my spending. My sanity might be worth it in the end.

After my pedicure, I took a walk northward and found a spot along the River Corrib to do some writing. I also sang, which is usually something I do during my nightly baths. There are a few threads to what I wrote today that aren’t connected and are largely unfinished, but I like where some of the ideas are going. Maybe you do too.

“Eyre Square”
~LJD July 9, 2018

Heart in throat,
Echoes of you that I don’t want
Because they aren’t enough;
They’re too much.
No one at fault –
The world turns,
          We collide.
The world continues,
          We separate.
Nothing more, nothing less…
Though I feel like there was

As yet untitled… maybe “Foreign Language”???
~LJD July 9, 2018

Abstract and concrete
it’s all in how you think.
The theoretical and the practical
have to work together.

Speak in terms I can understand.
Academia is a foreign language.
No one’s mother tongue,
though some become fluent
and forget their roots.
We were all simple once.
Might we transcend to simplicity again?

Secrets of the way I work,
the labyrinth of my mind.
You can’t know,
but you must trust.

Collaboration demands first
that people can communicate.
Assumption never helps,
no matter how innocent and logical.
But we get through,
we achieve or fail,
and either way
we learn.


It’s Been A While

I started this blog to discipline myself into writing every day. I haven’t posted anything in weeks. That’s not to say I haven’t been writing, but it certainly hasn’t been every day. For the last ten days, what I did every day was hate that I sprained my ankle and try to rest my sprained ankle. I’m on the mend, no happier about having injured myself to the point that I couldn’t tolerate my previous level of daily activity. But I got some cool bruise colors out of it, so what can you do?

Anyway, Instead of bringing a book to bed last night, I forced myself to just lay down. I was tired after putting five miles on my ankle for the first time since spraining it, and I was pretty sure I’d sleep well. I was right, but I didn’t sleep until I got a poem out. I also didn’t have the dreams I expected based on what I fell asleep thinking about after writing. That threw me for a loop when I finally regained consciousness… I think I might have been clinically dead at some points – that’s how deeply I slept. Zero complaints! I wish I could have stayed in bed, but I’ve done that too much lately, and plans F, G, and H (or whatever I’m on) aren’t going to come find me while I dream away the day.

“Night Stand”
~LJD, May 8, 2018

Some things stay for convenience
     ear plugs
     the box of tissues
     pens and paper

Some things stay for protection
     the Rosary from the Vatican
     a handmade dream catcher

Some things stay for sentiment
     a faded picture of your younger self
     grandma’s Blanche Devereaux-style sleep mask
     the ragged copy of The Little Prince

Some things… some things should go
     stale cough drops
     the broken travel alarm clock
     ancient notes passed in class from someone you don’t talk to any more

But then there are hidden treasures
     strings people tied around your heart with the words they gave you
     words that bind you to them even now.
     Maybe they should be thrown away,
     though you know that getting rid of the paper won’t get rid of the tie
           And you wouldn’t want to because the words
                and who gave them
          mean more to you than you’ve ever let on.

Scrounging, there are other gems
    scratches of nonsense about the way his cologne lingered subtly in a room he’d just left
    incomplete ideas of the flush he brought your skin
          the smile he elicited that somehow
          glowed from your very heart all the way through your eyes.
    Like his words, you could toss these ramblings
    but the memories of them take up space in your mind
    no matter how many pieces of paper you trash.

It’s never organized, it all gets fumbled and re-ordered
     as every piece goes back in the drawer so it will close
          and you can sleep.

Three Legs and a Poem

I left my apartment in Brooklyn before dawn on Monday, December 18th and took Amtrak down to DC, en route to where I grew up in NoVA. It was the first leg of the extravaganza I planned for my holidays because I wasn’t hemmed in by work on either side. Usually, I can’t travel until late in the day on December 23rd and I have to back, conscious, at work at 8am on January 2nd. Not so this year.

I had a lovely lunch with my aunt, who is also my godmother. She’s always been very special to me not just because she lived closer than the rest of my dad’s family. She’s driven, intelligent, and kind. She’s also one of three women who read aloud to me when I was young, thus cementing my love of books and enabling me to imagine everything I read/hear. We talked about writing, both process and product. She offered to reach out to some people who might be able to help me with the jobs available that called to my heart loud enough to make me let Turkey slip through my fingers.

On Tuesday I baked Christmas treats with my mom after going to a genetic testing consultation. My doctor said it was better to have her tested for the various breast cancer mutations because it would provide us with more information and it would be covered by her insurance based on her medical history. It was an interesting conversation illuminating another wacky portion of my gene pool. Mom’s family was a mess. It punctuates just how poorly suited my parents were – and I say that fully aware that if they hadn’t gotten together I wouldn’t be here to say so. The world would be missing me and my awesome big brother, so I know grace is real even if I doubt many other things. Mom is negative for any known breast cancer genetic mutation, so I have to go back to my doctor for my early detection plan armed with the knowledge that as far as current science can tell, I’m not a genetic timebomb.

The baking though. My mom and I aren’t good in the kitchen together. We both like to do things our way, and as similar as we are, our way of doing things is not always the same. It creates a lot of tension. But we can also laugh about it and throw ingredients at each other and walk away knowing we love each other. That is a gift to me. I know I can depend on my mom for anything, most importantly emotional support and a laugh. And our cookies weren’t too bad either, even if we growled at each other more than a few times. They were truly baked with love.

On Wednesday, I got one of the best gifts that I decided to accept from the union. I wrote about it here. I don’t often worry about money (a sure sign of my privilege), but paying about $700 a month for health insurance wasn’t a prospect I relished. There are still social philosophies banging around in my head about it, of course. I’m choosing not to worry about it though, a new strategy for me.

Thursday was friend day – lunch downtown and a first post-surgical support group in the evening. I don’t think much of people in general most of the time. They are horrible. I’ve had a lot of those horrible people in and out of my life. The people I keep, though, are amazing. That day was just one of many examples over the course of the trip, even though I didn’t see lots of my friends in person. I’m blessed, so when I forget it in my darker moments, let me re-read it here if I can’t bring it to mind. For all the shitty people I’ve had to deal with, I have a precious group of golden people.

Friday I saw family for a quick hour – ships passing in the night. They had just gotten back from London on Thursday evening and I was leaving for Zurich on Friday evening. We live separate lives. I struggled with that a little bit, but a pint of ice cream and some consideration of what family means to me helped. As did the bacon my stepmom kept placing in the middle of the kitchen island as we caught up a little. It was also special because I suggested a sister scavenger hunt – I told them to leave something for me to find in London the following week. The result is my audition reel to be a TV personality, hosting a travel, food, morning, or late night show. (Would anyone watch that? I think I have a few former students who have suggested it before.)

Then it was off to Switzerland, leg two. I didn’t research the trip very well because I was excited to get a new country stamped into my passport. Mom and I went halfsies on it for the most part. I would go back, but there were a few shocks – like the stink eye we got from a lot of people, the price tag on everything, the outdoor seating in below freezing temperatures, and the being in the EU but not using the Euro because the Swiss can’t be bothered.  Christmas Eve atop Mount Titlis, where I walked around outside without skiing, was a highlight. I recommend that everyone do something they are afraid of every now and again. For me, it was walking higher up on a trail than I thought safe given that I’d have to come back down. I stayed on my feet the whole time. I didn’t go so far as pants-shitting-fear… meaning, I didn’t even TRY to ski because I like my bones unbroken. Another highlight was finding an Anglican church that had a service in English on Christmas morning. For as much as we argue and misunderstand each other in recent years, worshiping on Christmas with mom is something very important to me. Then, of course, there was the fondue.

You can get fondue with just bits of bread to dip in the cheese. That’s all well and good. But I ordered potatoes to dip too. Potatoes and melted cheese. There are pictures. I look very happy in those pictures. They brought me a bag of potatoes. I had a bag of baby potatoes and a pot of four melted cheeses. If this is not in Dante’s Paradiso, he missed something. As we ate, some cheese stuck to the very bottom of the pot and caramelized I guess. I called this FRUHMUNDAH (from under) cheese and did everything in my power to get all the globs into my belly. Mom was worried that it was too much for us to eat, but I assured her that no cheese or potatoes would be left behind. We sat and froze outside, but there were no potatoes or cheese left when the waiter handed us the check. And I could’ve done another round after a little stroll. I didn’t, but I could have.

The chocolate wasn’t too shabby either. Lindt makes Lindor truffles in more flavors than I could’ve imagined. I tried every one of them. The cappuccino one is pretty awesome, as is the strawberries and cream. And the orange. And the coconut. And the hazelnut cream. And the whole hazelnut. Okay, they were all good.

Mom and I parted ways at the Zurich airport – she went home and I went to London for leg three. I apparently booked a fare that was so low-class that everyone who looked at my ticket wouldn’t make eye contact except with a gaze that said they wanted to spit on me for being that cheap. I didn’t know this when I booked it, otherwise I wouldn’t have. I don’t like people looking at me like I’m garbage. I will say, though, that SWISS air has the best economy – wait, I was below economy – snacks. Chocolates, cookies, and a clementine. I was in an aisle seat for the first time in I don’t know how long. Good thing it’s a short trip from Zurich to Heathrow.

That night I fell asleep in my friend’s living room on an air mattress with a fire slowly dying at my feet. Remember earlier when I said I’m blessed to have amazing people in my life? Well, Lor! is one of them. She is generous to a fault. We had a walk around London the next day, completing the sister scavenger hunt and adding to her illustrious career in movies as camera lady. We went back to a restaurant I went to when I lived in London 15 years ago. They still remember me and ask after the large group of friends I used to go with. It always floors me because, yeah, I’d go at least once a week for several months and with a group of at least 6-8 other people, but the intervals between visits have been varied and lengthy since then… but they are always so wonderful and ask how I am and where my friends are, what they are up to. Punjab on Neal Street in Covent Garden gets my approval forever and ever. Then we hit a show because why not? Kinky Boots was highly entertaining and informative. “The sex is in the heels” explains so much!

The next morning I reminded myself how much I love being in that part of the world by taking a walk around St. Albans, grabbing a coffee, finding a cute winter set at Accessorize, and visiting Marks & Spencer to pick up lunch and cheese. The song “I’d go the whole wide world just to find her, to find out where they hide her” from Stranger Than Fiction was playing in the coffee shop, and, as I noted in my handwritten journal, I’m comfortable in the drizzle grey of England, Ireland, Scotland. This thought settled bittersweet into my brain, so I’m still exploring it.

One of the things I love about Lor! besides everything is that she’s cool to stay in and watch all of season 1 of The Fall or go to a musical or walk around at the Cezanne portrait exhibit, eat at Wagamama and shop for vintage dresses in big girl sizes and talk about movies and music the whole way.  We road tripped together in 2011 and discovered how compatible we are as travel buddies. I think we could also be compatible roommates, but let’s hope we’re both far enough along in our lives and careers that we won’t have to go back to having roommates.

We gussied up for a fancy downtown London Great Gatsby New Year’s Eve party. Being the awesome person she is, Lor! did my makeup expertly and with successful results. I don’t like makeup much, but she let me choose my look and walked me through everything as she put it on, letting me check that I liked what she was doing along the way. If I ever do get that TV host job, I might demand that she be my stylist. We met some fun people at the party – a few teachers who had some advice and leads! A woman that reminded me of my godmother so much that I had to take a picture with her. Two women from Eastern Europe who demanded to know where the single men were: “They’re all in a couple or gay!” We had a good laugh about that. I could be wrong, but I don’t think a group of single guys would get dressed to the nines on New Year’s Eve to go to a party in central London when they can go to the local pub or stay on their couch. If there were single guys there, they weren’t in large groups making themselves known to us single ladies, so why did these women think we had a line on them? It was hilarious though.

I lost a day in there somewhere to a sleep that might have been a coma. I wasn’t hungover exactly. I got up on New Year’s Day to get some hot chocolate and have a little stroll. I ate mid-afternoon and fell asleep first at 7ish. I woke at 10 and took some Advil for ankle pain. I turned off the TV at 12:30 and didn’t become conscious again until 12:49. My body told me I had been asleep longer than 19 minutes. Blackout curtains are usually my friend, but they did a number on me this time. I realized it was afternoon not morning when I opened the blinds. Ooops. I guess I needed it? I got ready and had enough daylight to walk around a new neighborhood (St. Johns Wood) and pass through my old stomping grounds (Baker Street and Regents Park). I also earned the badge of honor of being asked for directions in a place where I could actually give them. WHAT?!

My last day was for some shopping, which may have been a mistake, but everything still fit into my suitcase, so who cares? First I sat in a Caffe Nero (which I call Caffe Nerd because of the font used on the sign) where I will set the opening scene of an x-rated romance novel, if I ever finish writing legit stuff first. I laughed to myself about that as I wrote an entirely unrelated poem (below). Then I got on the plane and wondered why the seat next to me was still empty. It didn’t show as empty on the seat map online, so I knew someone had to be sitting there. I was flying business class again. Flying into and out of NYC, this means that I sometimes have a celebrity sighting. Not that I recognize anyone because I can’t see. I glean that the person is one of the beautiful people through context clues. I don’t like to stare while my brain scrolls through images until one matches. I was flying into Newark, too, so I thought this significantly reduced the possibility that anyone recognizable would be on the flight.

Then a tall redhead boarded and the guy who’d been making a nuisance of himself already had a moment of verbal diarrhea followed by a request for a selfie. Request politely (and in my opinion understandably) denied, the redhead eyes our shared overhead bin… the same bin I already felt bad about taking up too much space in. That’s when I was staring. And I was caught and felt stupid, but then it registered who he was. And his most memorable role, to me, is a Victorian asshat who makes his wife’s life miserable. I know he’s well known for other stuff that probably paints him in a much better light (stuff that I’ve been streaming the last several days), but all I could think was, “asshat, asshat!” Of course the character is an asshat, not the man. I offered to remove anything from the overhead bin if necessary, but he assured me there was plenty of space. In an American accent. He’s English. This struck me as weird. His accent only slipped once or twice the whole flight. He plays Americans more often than he plays Brits, I think, and is currently in an American TV show, so method acting maybe? He reviewed one his peach paged scripts, so I got an elbow view of his rehearsal, murmuring the lines and dialing down the hand gestures. I wanted to bother him with chitchat many times, but I don’t think he was feeling very well, and I usually wouldn’t strike up a conversation on a plane, so why act any differently just because I recognize him? It struck me funny though because there aren’t tons of tall redhead actors and I’ve recently become obsessed with one, so it was like the universe was teasing me because this wasn’t the one. But I’m calling it the year of the redhead anyway. It’s like the Chinese calendar but not.

On the plane I also read an article about teaching English that got me fired up to get back to work in that field, just in a different setting. It was an article a former teacher had shared, so it was also a sweet little moment of legacies. I might not be as recognizable as the guy who was sitting next to me, but I have had (and will have) an impact on the lives of my students the way my teachers have influenced me. It’s a kind of stardom (I tell myself because I know I probably won’t ever host a travel TV show).

I came home to a fucking bomb cyclone polar vortex though. I’ve been essentially hibernating since I got back because it’s been too fucking cold and windy to leave. It’s given me time to get to know the actor’s repertoire beyond Victorian asshats.  I ventured out to the grocery store and post office only to learn that a mile in frigid temperatures is unlike any other mile I’ve ever walked.

I leave you with that poem I mentioned above.

As Yet Untitled
~LJD, January 3, 2018

Wasted worry
Wakeful nights
Days of dread
all passed to nothing.

Great pitch and moment
yes, the butterfly effect,
but more often for naught.
Not even a good bar anecdote
because no one wants to
re-live your fruitless fretting.

Cycle says you’ll
Waste worry again
Have more wakeful nights
Live dozens of days in dread
Before you learn
It’s all for naught.

Ride the waves
without anxiety.
It will all pass

to nothing

or something

whether you worry or not.

Playing With a Poem

I’ve been shuffling some of these ideas around for a week or so. I finally committed them to paper tonight. Because I haven’t been very good about writing every day, I decided to drag myself up from my prostrate position diagonally across my bed in order to type it.

Late November into early December has been a rough time for me since I was nine. That year there were two life-altering events within two weeks of each other. Not to be outdone by 1991, life has thrown a lot of shit at me in the same weeks many years, so memories kind of pile on. It’s sometimes hard to be in the here and now during this period. This year seems a bit different though.

“Muddled November Thoughts”
~LJD November 27, 2017

the intangible autumn quality
of afternoon sunlight
a peaceful end is near
nothing to be afraid of
embrace it with calm

the riotously joyful colors
of the leaves
they too know the coming
sleep is nothing to fear
a matter of course
therefore unlamentable

a warm sweater in soft blue
cable knit
sleeves long enough to cover my wrists
relief that this November
has offered a reprieve of some kind
not a promise, per se, but
a cease fire in the war
we annually wage

will December be as diplomatic?

Repeating Purple

As I mused about this entry, I kept saying purple in my head… you can do it too and see how quickly the word makes you laugh.

So purple…. I watched the first episode of Outlander last night and I’m in Texas where there are bluebonnets (wrongly named, like blueberries, because they are more purple than blue), so we have that to thank for today’s post. For those not familiar with Outlander, she’s picking purple flowers when she passes out and falls back in time. Yeah, I could still be watching it now if I didn’t have any self-discipline.

I wrote the poem below before Tom Petty died, but I think it’s a fitting tribute. I loved the album Wildflowers in high school and was a fan long before that. I could title the poem Tom, but Karl seems more fitting for reasons that make me chuckle.

Many of my friends say purple is their favorite color.

The first and only cubicle I ever worked in was painted purple and orange.

NYU, where I went to grad school and worked for a while, has the color violet as its mascot. (Yeah, my undergrad was repped by a color too… who knew? Go Maroons. Go Violets. WTF?)

Purple is the American Cancer Society’s cause color, and I advised student-planners for Relay for Life for the last several years.

I was introduced to purple shampoo when I was a teenager. It’s usually for old ladies who have silver, grey, white hair. It removes the yellowish build up on light colored hair. I don’t use it very often, but it sure does make my hair that much whiter.

Lavender is said to have relaxing/calming properties, so of course my bathroom stuff is an array of purples because I’m hoping that even the placebo effect will help.

And “Purple. Planted. Ponderous.” is one part of something I wrote that I haven’t changed the many times I’ve fiddled with the words to make the thing (is it a poem? Is it a confession? Is it crap?) purer.

Enjoy. Or not.

~LJD September 27, 2017

Any purple wildflower
number of petals…
I hear your voice behind me
“What are you doing, woman?”

Any rocky coastline
green or grey…
I see your hands rubbing your eyes
hoping to find the right words

I yearn for days of wind
so I can wrap myself in soft wool
close my eyes
be in a field at dawn
The dewy grass tickling my legs
mist rising
Right where you knew I’d be
where you should have been next to me
where purple wildflowers grow

Where Ideas Come From

I’ve had a lot of only slightly connected thoughts recently, so I didn’t bother trying to string them together in a coherent way. I’m getting back on track, so that’s good. During today’s walk, I thought of a comparison that isn’t quite worthy of being called a conceit – it’s no Donne’s “The Flea,” which is a genius poem and something I aspire to at least once in life – but it is something I’m proud of. I can also recognize the immediate influences not only of Donne’s conceits, but also of some of the music I listen to, so it dovetails nicely with the lyrical analysis I did for five days in a row.

In addition to Donne, three other clear inspirations for this poem are: the saying “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.” (Not sure that’s the -exact- phrasing, but hopefully you’ve heard something of the sort before.) The next is John Mayer’s “In The Blood” as I use those three words in the second line not only because they work as words of my own, but also because it’s perfect if they bring the song to mind as you continue to read. The final is Lauryn Hill’s “I Used To Love Him,” evident in the use of “bleed until the poison was gone.” In her song that has always meant something a little different to me than she intended, she sings, “Last night I bled ’til the poison was gone, / And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn.”

I’m not sure I’m keeping the title, but here it is…

“Snake Pit”
~LJD, August 20, 2017

Born of a snake bite,
Some poison in the blood.
As it diluted, the pain become clear.
The snake kept biting,
Injecting new venom,
Causing new suffering.
Only when agony begged for an end
Did the child of the pit
Try to clean the wounds,
Bleed until the poison was gone.
A slow process:
crawling up and out,
finding each of the cesspools
draining them dry,
learning to love the scars
to forgive the fangs that left them.
But even healed, the venom gone
Memory remains,
And the snake is still toxic,
still biting.
Scarred skin is not enough armor.


Poetic Incubation

When I was a teenager, I wrote a lot of poetry. It was an emotional activity more than an intellectual one. I cared about imagery, metaphor, and other poetic devices, but I cared more about getting the feeling out. As I read more poetry in college, I experimented with different styles and techniques, trying a little more for artistry than raw emotion. It was always important that I stay true to the idea or emotion that inspired the poem. Even though I took more time to think about craft, there was still an immediacy. The time between thinking of the poem and getting it to paper was minimal.

Since my early twenties, I haven’t written very much poetry. There have been a few pieces here and there, but nothing compared to how prolific I used to be. I’ve also noticed that there’s less urgency when I do get an idea. One brewed for months before I got it down. The result is a poem I’m very proud of, though I don’t know if I’ve ever shared it with anyone. Last year, I took about two weeks to get down seven or eight lines that were an unconscious and unintentional homage to Yeats. Today, I worked with an idea I wrote down months ago but only now finalized in a way that I’m happy with.

The time it takes to nurture a poem is so much longer now. I have to let them sit, brew, stew, marinate, simmer… I’m not sure what word is best to describe it. Of course, there’s also the fact that I write them so infrequently that when I do, I feel an internal pressure to make them good – not for anyone else, for myself. And I’m my harshest critic.

“Myers Briggs”
July 30, 2017

Bound by the binary,
There are only two ways:
My needle floats,
Never drawn too far toward
Always hovering perfectly between;
A level placed on a picture
The bubble centered in the sights.
Seesaw on a fulcrum,
I can move to either side,
But balanced on my scale is always a counterweight
To find the middle.
A stasis that allows me to
See the kaleidoscope of possibilities
But paralyzes me
Because there is no third dimension.
I do both equally,
Somehow managing to do
          Nothing completely.
It’s one axis of the matrix,
But it reveals
My strongest weakness,
My weakest strength.


I wrote more pages about Hannah and Jeremy. I’ll post it later this week depending on how far I get, but it got me thinking about the poems I have bouncing around in my brain too.

The way I get at a poem is different from the way I’m getting at Hannah’s story. I’ve written some short stories, I’ve outlined a few novel ideas, I’ve scribbled a ton of poetry, and I’ve definitely vomited a volumes of personal journals, but how I go about each is starkly different.

I have to write poetry by hand. It doesn’t feel right if I do it any other way. Last year when I was in Ireland, I got a little lost in Galway around sunset. It was after dinner, and I’d only brought my phone and a clutch with some money, my credit card, and my ID. I didn’t mean to take a wander. I meant to get to a pub that had been recommended. So much for plans. As I walked, a poem, or something like a poem, was bubbling up inside me. In the last rays of light, I sat on a stone wall and composed it the only way I could without even so much as a receipt to write on. I used my phone. I needed to get the words out before I lost them, but it felt all wrong. Later that night, I copied the poem from my phone into my journal. The wrong was righted.

A few weeks ago, I was forced into a similar situation because I didn’t have anything to write with or write on and the idea was bursting. Again it felt wrong. I sometimes use my phone to remind myself of phrases or ideas, but the full composition of a poem has to happen with pen and paper or it doesn’t feel pure. Maybe that’s because my poems have frequently come from an emotion that was overwhelming me. Maybe it’s because the things I usually create electronically are academic in nature, whether they are analytical papers I used to write or assignments I construct for students. Typeface seems too impersonal for my poems. The whimsy of having little bits of paper scrawled with lines hidden away in the pages of something else or tucked into a corner of my wallet seems more poetic than notes saved on my phone or files on a flash drive.

When it comes to fiction though, especially Hannah’s story, I rely on Microsoft Word. I can’t imagine trying to piece Hannah together by hand. Maybe because I imagined this story a hundred different ways for at least a year before committing to write any of it. Maybe because it’s going to be longer than anything I’ve ever written before. Maybe because it isn’t one of the first three novel ideas I have, two of which I’ve vaguely outlined by hand, one of which I’ve written a short story version of by hand but then typed. I don’t know, but as I go along, I cannot fathom trying to hand write any of it. I am dependent on seeing it on screen as I write and revise and reread and reach for the right way to tell the story playing in my mind.

Personal journals can go either way, which kind of nullifies my theory about my poetry being too emotional to type. If nothing else, my journals are emotional or at least thoughtful about my emotions. I’m just as comfortable writing down my personal reflections as I am typing them. Typing them usually means I’m going to make them available for public consumption, so there’s some self-censoring that happens, but less than you might think. What’s the point in self-examination if you aren’t doing it honestly? Whether I make that public or not, it has to be worth my time, so why hide something? That said, there are always things that I know about myself that I don’t publicly reflect on, not because I don’t think them but because either they are too painful or I don’t give a shit what anyone else might think about them or both. Those kinds of things I might hand write or keep inside my skull for me and the voices (ha ha, I don’t actually hear voices in a schizo kind of way).

If I want these brewing poems to make their way out, I guess I have to step away from the computer. Who says kids are the only ones who need limited screen time?

Inspiration On Screen

I haven’t watched the season 7 premier of Game of Thrones yet. I needed to remind myself of what happened in seasons 5 and 6, so I’m still playing catch up. I’d watched all six seasons before going to Ireland last summer, but I didn’t realize how much of it is filmed in Northern Ireland, where I was for two days. Looking out at the sea, I wrote, “Northern Ireland’s rugged coast line owns a piece of my soul.” Now I drool at scenes and say “That’s Northern Ireland.” Because he’s just too pretty, Jon Snow is less of a draw than the scenery.

Later during the trip I was sitting in St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin. I wrote two pieces while sitting across from Joyce’s bust. I don’t know if they are poems or not. Prose poems? Are they complete? Are they terrible? I don’t know. One of them, the one I’m not sharing, is something that I’ve gone back to often because it begs to be better, for me to express the idea better because the idea is so important, so pure. I don’t think I can do it justice, so I keep picking at it, knowing that it’s something I could be very proud of.

This piece, written moments before the one I’m not sharing, doesn’t demand perfection from me but is no less true. And every time I see Northern Ireland on Game of Thrones, I think of it.

No Title Yet ~ LJD August 28, 2016

I have words but not the power to use them. I set them down, examine them, feel how they roll around in my mouth, how they might echo in your brain, which way they may twist your heart. I combine them, trying to convey the brimming energy in my veins when I see something glorious and ache so badly to share it with others. I shuffle the phrases and re-deal them, still falling short of the song in my soul that swells with each blade of grass, every rocky coastline, the shale faces announcing mountains that rise to the ever-changing sky. 

Not surprising that the next thing I wrote is something that I’m still shuffling because I can’t get the words right. If you’ve never been to any part of Ireland, you should go. It’s more beautiful than my words and the GoT cameras can capture.

Siren Song

So, I could have accomplished a lot in the last few days, but sleep, when I can get it, is an enemy of productivity. It also happens that my niece is likely starting her sleep regression period, so she wasn’t really having anything more than a few 15 minute naps at a time. More on baby time later. For now, a poem.

“Siren Song” ~LJD July 7, 2017

Sleep is a siren song;
Dreams demand and distract.
All the shouts that consciousness bottled up
Come out when anxiety peaks.
Decades of anger overflow as objects shatter against walls,
Finally expressing the buried rage,
The swallowed pain.
Subconscious reveals the cracks.
Desire unfettered,
Building to a fever so real the sweat clings to my legs even in the waking.
Tearing away what I want,
Discovering what I need.
No wonder I want to return.
I resist, my body and mind trained to fight the temptation.
Tricks of the trade to lure me back,
I’ve tried them all.
They are unnecessary;
I give in to the dreaming eventually,
And never want to wake,
To walk away for too long,
For sleep is a siren song.