One of my bosses at hell school – the one who held on to my respect the longest but lost it all the same – used to preface scenarios with “Go on a thought experiment with me!” One I remember well is when I was struggling with a class of 13 juniors, but only two of the students actually knew how to be students in the full IB program and everyone else basically wanted me to fuck off (at best) or hit me in my face (for real – I was afraid of one girl for half the school year until I did something that earned me her respect and calling me by my name). My boss said “Thought experiment, what if you just kept teaching. Teach to the wall.” I didn’t know if he meant like “balls the wall” all out or if he literally meant act like the walls of the classroom were my students. Knowing him, it was the latter, and it went against everything I know and believe as a teacher. But this post isn’t a rant about hell school or how education perpetuates systemic racism… I’ll save that for another day.
It IS about a thought experiment that popped into my head while I was walking through the soupy humidity this morning. “Sliding Doors but instead of missing/making the tube, it’s what would have happened if I took the job in Turkey the first time they offered it.”
First, if you aren’t familiar with the movie, Sliding Doors came out in 1998, before Gwyneth Paltrow was an intolerable twat. It also stars the always-lovely John Hannah (sidebar on him later) and the impressively-eye browed John Lynch. The premise is that one version of Gwyn’s character misses a departing tube train and we get to see how her life played out based on that one moment. We also get to see what would have happened if she made the tube train. It’s okay, guys, the filmmakers made sure to give one version a makeover so you can tell the difference between the two possibilities even if you’re stupid. It really is an adorable film – if you can stand Gwyneth now that she’s whatever she has turned into (and probably always was?)
So, my miss or make moment was less about timing and fate and more about an active decision. What would have happened if I took the job in Izmir, Turkey the first time it was offered to me?
It would have meant relocating in the summer of 2017. That means this blog would probably not exist, or if it did, it would have a very different focus. And it might not have so many posts tagged in the “existential crisis” category. The contract, if I lasted its full duration, would have ended in summer 2019 – still pre-pandemic days! What would I have decided to do after that???
Not so fast. Jumping from summer 2017 to summer 2019 leaves out a whole lot that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Taking a leave of absence!
Actually committing one of my many novel ideas to paper (so to speak) and getting as far as I did before shifting my energy elsewhere. (I’ll get back to it eventually!)
Spending a month being a sister-wife and co-parent in a Dallas suburb. Kenz introduced me to Outlander, so that day all by itself ends the thought experiment of what Izmir would have been like.
Swissmas followed by a fancy Gatsby-style NYE in Londontown with my best Brit.
My Peak Challenge 2018, getting into the best shape of my life, sweating through the craziness of being investigated while I was on a leave of absence, turning 36 and bestie demanding that I just be hot now, and generally feeling like I could take over the world.
Applying to jobs in England and my fancy spreadsheet – how many cover letters did I write? And NOW they are begging me to come back because their teacher shortage is even more severe than ours. Deciding to apply to a research masters program instead, and getting in!
The random Facebook ad that grabbed me by the lady balls and sent me to Ireland for a month when I literally had no idea where I was going to be living come September, but I was so high on life that I didn’t care.
And that freedom like a leaf blowing in the wind knocking me into Mr. F when bird skeletons walked the streets of Galway… Sidebar: Today marks 5 years since I flew to Dublin for that soul-reviving trip. Even if I don’t wind up living in Ireland (I have not let go of this – maybe retirement? Maybe something sooner), I will treasure that month for the rest of my life.
Living in Angel with my best Brit! Being so afraid that I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t do the work of the research masters and then the pride of earning my degree with highest honoUrs.
Yeah, shit went sideways in October of 2019 and had me in a deep depression BEFORE lockdowns started, making the first three to four months of the pandemic the absolute darkest time in my whole life, which is really saying something. And living through that led me to hell school… what do I even call the school I was at during those days? A thought experiment for another time.
My life isn’t a cute movie from the late ’90s, so I’ll never know what would have happened if I signed on the dotted line. Knowing what I would have missed, the highest high and the lowest low, makes me think I chose well. But of course I would say so with no way of telling which choice would have landed me in a different place now.
I’ll do myself a favor and listen to “Intuition” by Natalie Imbruglia: “Could’ve turned left, could’ve turned right, but I ended up here BANG in the middle of a real life. Should’ve turned left, but I turned right. I ended up here and I feel alright. I feel alright.”
(Now about John Hannah and what I’ll probably be doing for the rest of my day. On my walk this morning, I noticed the number 47 spray painted on the ground. Anyone who is anyone knows that is Rambaldi’s favorite number… we HAVE all watched Alias as many times as I have, yes? Well, John Hannah had a great guest spot, and the reason I was so excited to see him pop up in the show was because I fell in love with him when I saw Sliding Doors and he said “Yeah, I spotted that” at a sweet moment in the plot. He’s also one of the reasons I enjoy Spartacus: Gods of the Arena. So, will I be spending the rest of my day watching Alias or Spartacus? Not as big a decision as taking a job in Turkey.)
Frail Phrases 